College Football Is A Chore

by Rich on October 23, 2017

Most people hate chores with a passion, but sometimes having chores is a saving grace when other enthusiasms in life begin to fail. Midway through the college football season, there are a lot of fans turning to those chores as a distraction from their team’s now unreachable preseason expectations. But who wants to do work to get away from what was supposed to be fun, but has now become painful?

Fear not, I’m here to help. Here are some things to do, other than chores, on college football Saturdays when your team has gone in the tank.

Spelunking. Nothing gets you further away from college football than crawling deep into a cave. No, not figuratively. Not curling up in a ball in the closet in your basement with a bottle of dirty water (that’s writer speak for liquor). I’m talking about real cave diving. Find yourself a nice cave, get a flashlight and some chalk (to find your way out) and go study those stalactites (hanging) and stalagmites (standing) and ancient civilization cave drawings that often feature racy depictions of topless neanderthal women (and men. No moral judgments here).

Roller Skating. Who doesn’t love strapping into those ugly skates and rolling in a circle for hours? Sure, that kind of pointless, repetitive action that results in primarily ending up where you first started (with a lot of falls and embarrassing stumbles along the way) may remind you of what’s happening to your favorite college football team, but once the DJ calls out “couple skate” and throws on some Lionel Richie, it’s nothing but love and awkward hand holding. Much better than watching your team blow a 30 point lead. Much, much better. Like, a lot.

Stamp collecting. This one is great for those who don’t like a lot of physical activity. All you need is…well, I don’t really know. I mean, how hard can it be? It’s stamps! Get a photo album or whatever stamp collectors use and go find yourself some stamps! Are they rare? Are they valuable? Who cares? Remember: this is merely a distraction from the pain your favorite college football team is inflicting on depths of your inner soul. Stamps should do the trick. Who wouldn’t want to collect the most outdated form of currency known to mankind? Seriously…other than wedding invitations, when was the last time you even got a letter? That wasn’t metered? The whole concept is outdated, much like your favorite team’s offensive philosophy. There’s some synchronicity there.

Gambling. If you love sports for the competition angle and love to spend hundreds (or thousands) of dollars tailgating, then gambling is perfect for you! The upside of this option is you KNOW your money will a total waste. Oh sure, maybe you win a little. Just enough to keep you coming back for more. Much like how your favorite team pulls off that occasional rare upset to beat your rival on a last second play. Just a taste. But with gambling, at least you know going in that it’s a losing proposition, and anything you take home with you is just a bonus. Free money. Like the wings left over from your tailgate because your pig of a brother-in-law passed out before the game.

Of course, if none of those appeal to you, and you feel the need for something more cathartic and life changing, you could give up college football all together. Or even more drastic, you could find another team to pull for.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go clean the baseboards and trim the hedges.


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