Name That Bowl!

by Rich on December 11, 2017

College football bowl season is here, and while the “New Year’s 6” get most of the press, there are a large spate of bowls all over the country, with more being added seemingly every year. It’s a little known fact that the NCAA is pelted with requests every year for new bowl games and new corporate sponsorship tie-ins. And even though we actually have bowls like the Cheribundi Tart Cherry Boca Raton Bowl and the Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl, there are some proposed bowls that are rejected. As it so happens, I have a “source” deep within the bowels of the Bowl Acceptance/Rejection Committee (BARC). He (or she. Don’t want to give away my “source”) has sent me the following list of rejected bowls.

The Essential Oils Dubuque Bowl (Rock Bowl Stadium, Loras College, Dubuque, Iowa) – This bowl had trouble right off the bat. First, it was just hard to get a grip on what is was about. And while the idea seemed like a good one initially, something sort of…smelled about it. True, players on both teams would be treated to special massages and vegan pilates sessions. But the requirement to have two friends come to the game, and then have each of those two friends invite two friends…it just seemed like the scheme to fill out the stadium to the point of profitability was a bit unrealistic. BARC passed.

The Legalized 420 Grand Junction Bowl (Ralph Stocker Stadium, Colorado Mesa University, Grand Junction, Colorado) – My “source” inside the BARC told me that there was a sizable contingent within the committee that was adamant that the application request for this bowl be passed.  They even demanded a fact-finding trip to the site to see if it was “a hip place to hang out.” Unfortunately, while initially driven to make this bowl a reality, it’s most vocal proponents quickly became disinterested and lost all motivation to move further on the motion. The meeting lasted four hours and the committee went through 13 pizzas and 2 seasons of Scooby Doo.

The GloBowl Motion-Activated Toilet Nightlight Charleston Bowl (Laidley Field, Charleston University, Charleston, West Virginia) – The BARC was tempted to flush this one right away, as a courtesy to the college football world. Representatives made a strong case for the game, however, so the committee was slow to put the lid down. However, once they realized that the game was to be played in Charleston, West Virginia rather than Charleston, South Carolina, the high-water mark of this game’s chances quickly receded, leaving only the lingering stench of what was obviously a bad idea to begin with.

Mr. Bacon’s Glacier Scented Beard Balm Tacoma Bowl (Mt. Tahoma Athletic Stadium, Mt. Tahoma High School, Tacoma, Washington) – This bowl seemed to have it all: beards, flannel, craft beers, vegan menus, and free iPhone X charging stations. Everything that BARC was looking for to get and keep it’s quickly fading post-Millennial viewership, appeared to be in place. Unfortunately, there ended up being a scheduling conflict with the host’s girl’s field hockey team, who needed the field to practice for their cross-town rivals, the St. Helen Cobblers. You don’t mess with the Lady Thunderbirds. BARC was forced to withdraw it’s offer.

That’s just a small sample of rejected bowls from this past year. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for 2018, though. I’m dying to see who plays in the BaxBo Flasktie Bowl!


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