Six Simple Rules

by Rich on April 23, 2018

The NCAA recently released some new rules for college football, and while some of them appear to be beneficial and some head scratchers, none of them address some of the key areas and problems that I keep hoping will be fixed. Sure, it’s probably a good idea to not allow schools to have former stars run the scout team (and be around during practice for recruits to hang out with), but there are so many other, more pressing issues to deal with!

As you might have guessed, I have a list.

1. I can’t believe I have to say this again, but apparently I do. I don’t know how long lasers have been a thing but it’s been a minute. We use them for everything these days. And I’m not just talking about high tech military stuff, either. Your basic sheet rock guy uses a laser level and Lois at the grocery store check out uses about a gazillion of them to ring up your avocados and toilet paper. They have become so prevalent that the price on a decent laser pointer has plummeted. It’s not new technology, is what I’m saying here, folks. So why, for the love of all things good and righteous in this world do we not use them in college football? Think of all the high tech gear we use to get every aspect of a football game broadcast into your living room. All the flying cameras and wireless mics and a ton of stuff you and I never see. And with all of that technology available, the single most important component to a football game, i.e. the ball’s forward progress (or lack thereof) on the field, is left up to some poor middle aged dude who’s out of breath and needs a new contact prescription. The simple, easy fix for this is markers in the ball and lasers on the field. This is doable, people. Make it happen.

2. No more punts. Seriously. Just do away with them. Go for it on every down.

3. Do away with the coin flip. To start every game, place the ball at the center of the field, line up both teams at their respective twenty-five yard line, fire off a starter’s gun and let the mad scramble begin. Whoever comes out of the bottom of the scrum with the ball gets first possession on the fifty yard line.

4. Overtime should be limited to seven on seven…with a catch: players have to swap sides. Only defensive players can play on offense in overtime, and vice-versa. NOTHING BUT BIG GUY TOUCHDOWNS!

5. Also, in overtime, all coaches must retire to the locker room and cease any communication with the team. The only input players may receive from outside of the team must come from immediate family members or the cheerleader squad (dance team, majorettes, band, mascot, etc, are not included).

6. Priority egress driving lanes for the losing team’s fans. This just makes good sense. If your team wins, you want to hang out for a while anyway. But if your boys just got stomped like narcs at a biker rally, you’re going to want to get the heck out of Dodge, and fast. This rule may seem unfair until you remember that, sooner or later, your team will lose. Then trust me, the quicker the exit the better.

So there you have it. Six pretty simple rules that I think will add enjoyment to the game, put more rear ends in the bleachers, and make for an over all better game day experience.

Free beer wouldn’t hurt either.

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