Spooky Good Looks

by Rich on October 30, 2017

Halloween is this week and parents are scrambling to find politically correct, non-offensive, eco-friendly, culturally sensitive (but not culturally appropriating) costumes for their children to wear. It’s a tough call and I’m grateful that I’m past that stage in life. I mean, I still dress up, but my child has long since outgrown the tradition. I’m not near as concerned about who I offend, as long as the costume amuses me. But then I’m a well known jerk. Ask anybody.

So what to do? Once again, dear reader, I have you covered. Here are some great ideas that are safe bets for Halloween costumes that are sure to keep the candy buckets full this year:

Oklahoma State’s Offense. It’s scary the kind of numbers being put up by the Cowboys. And the costume is super easy, as well. No face paint or elaborate materials needed. No, all that’s required is one black mullet wig and a OkSU t-shirt. I mean, have you SEEN Mike Gundy’s hair? It’s glorious! He’s gone all Joe Dirt/East Bound and Down on us. And it’s fabulous! Plus, nothing says “Load me up with M&Ms” like a good mullet wig.

Alabama’s Defense. Seriously, I just got scared typing that. This one is a little bit edgier and, let’s be frank here, a it more dangerous. Bama’s D has been known to cause nightmares to opposing QBs, offensive coordinators, and Inuits in Gnome, Alaska. They scare everybody, is what I’m saying. It’s difficult to portray this level of fear, so your best bet is just to dress up as an Alabama fan. While your neighbors may place guards around their trees when they see you coming, you’ll have one thing going for you: you can use the same above mentioned mullet.

Auburn’s athletic department. Hate to say it, but man… you never know what’s going to jump out at you these days! Full disclosure: as a second generation alumnus, I pay pretty close attention to what’s happening, and let’s just say that my Auburn twitter dot com feed has looked like a haunted house lately. Again, the costume is easy…anything orange and blue and toilet paper (unused, preferably).

Washington State Football. If you want to keep things lighter (airier?), then WSU’s football program is the way to go. Crazy fun to watch and you never know what you’re going to get, except one heck of a pre and post game press conference from their head coach, Mike Leach, who will give you quotes like this little gem: “If you get into a fight, don’t take your helmet off…We’re looking for smart football players, not dumb ones. In the interest of time, don’t get into any more fights today.” That’s a real quote. The costume is standard pirate.

Tennessee. So ugly it’s scary. Seriously, seriously scary. I don’t even know what to say about this. It’s a costume that should be fun, like a cowboy or Spiderman. But the bright colors only hide the face of the Vols leader, who apparently is Sgt Carter from “Gomer Pyle,  USMC”. But beware… while you might think that this costume would bring you lots of candy, in reality, you’ll only get a couple of Baby Ruths and a bunch of hard butterscotch that somebody found under the couch.

So there you go, plenty of great Halloween costumes to choose from! Good luck!

By the way, has anybody seen my Les Miles mask?

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